I had a miscarriage
Let me begin by making something very clear. My choice in making this public is not a cry for attention. I am blessed enough to have an amazing family and friends that have supported both Dave and I throughout this time in our lives. I’m not looking for pity. I have a goal and I want my own personal agenda to distract from that- so let’s start from the beginning.
I was pregnant- and it was wonderful. The excitement, the love, the focus on the future! Dave and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. We, of course, had shared our blessing with our family and some close friends. I don’t think that you ever fully understand how much you want a child until you have one growing inside of you. It’s terrifying and thrilling- all at the same confusing time! But you get one month into it, and then you are two, and even three months into it, and suddenly nothing else matters. Its unimaginable, indescribable wonder.
Dave and I chose not to publically share our pregnancy because we were aware of the high rate of miscarriage. After reading a million books by “experts” the general consensus is that approximately 18-20% of women miscarry. Luckily (or not) I also have found that experts generally agree that after the baby’s heart starts to beat this percentage drops to only 5% or less. So, being 10 weeks pregnant, and knowing that the heart begins beating around week 6 (give or take) I was no longer concerned with the idea of miscarriage. After all, there was no bleeding, and everything was “normal.” I was going to have a baby.
Wrong. So very wrong. So unimaginably wrong. I had no idea that what happened to us was even possible.
Facebook has changed society as we know it. I know that may be a somewhat silly statement to make, but it is true. Dave and I had several discussions about when to announce our pregnancy on facebook. We had to make sure that we contacted correct people before posting it, so that no one would feel left out. We also had to make sure that nothing was wrong. So, we had decided that after going for our first ultrasound we would post the news online.
So off we went. Nearly three months pregnant and ready for our first viewing of our little jellybean baby! And we saw her. And she was beautiful. I’ve never felt so connected in my life as I did when I saw the first picture of my child. Beautiful. Anyone who is a mother knows that there are not words to describe this moment. It is truly a gift from God.
Seconds after seeing her, my doctor (who is nothing short of stunning) quickly flipped the screen away from us. We spent a horrifying 5 minutes (that felt like five hours) in silence. Then I scooted up as she flipped off the screen. There was no heartbeat. Our child had passed away before she even lived. She died two weeks ago and my body didn’t realize it. My body literally had no idea. And our future was crushed. Every plan we made was irrelevant. We had not prepared for this. We didn’t even know it was possible. We were supposed to walk out with a picture of our baby and announce the good news to the world.
Surgery was scheduled. Three days later my uterus was scraped out and my child was removed.
So here we are. This is my reasoning for writing this. WHY? Why didn’t I know that this could happen? Why is it that as I am going through this I have to go to online chat rooms to find women who are suffering the same loss? 20% of women miscarry. That’s 1 in 5. Let me say it again. 1 in 5! I do not understand for the life of me why divorce, marriage, birth, death, and every other aspect of life are all over the place, and miscarriage is nowhere to be found. It’s a reality of life.
I don’t understand. If someone loses a parent or a child (that was born) it is discussed. Why then are we so reluctant to talk about this subject? Everyone keeps telling me that it is so normal and so common. Fantastic! Then why do I not have anyone to discuss this with? Why is it some huge secret that no one speaks of? I simply don’t understand.
As some people may know, Dave and I recently moved back from Costa Rica. It is because of this that we do not have health insurance. You simply don’t need it there. Your payments for doctor visits, ER, prescriptions, etc. are the same or less than they are in the US for copays. When we found out that I needed surgery to remove her, we also found out that we had to pay a great deal of money out of pocket for this to happen. As I mentioned before, I am blessed with unbelievably giving and supportive parents. Many, probably most, people are not as blessed as I am.
I decided to share this after a look at a support group online. A woman went through what I did- A missed miscarriage (where the child dies but your body doesn’t recognize it). This woman had lived for five months with her deceased child inside of her. She did not have the money to pay for the surgery and she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with anyone else. Are You Kidding Me??? Why are women in the US going through this? ALONE? Is in not enough to have to mourn the loss of your child? Why is it only socially acceptable to turn to an online group as an anonymous person?
In the past few years of my life I have become a very health conscious person. I cherish my body. I rarely drink, I do not smoke and I do not eat animal products. After becoming pregnant I was almost obsessive. No caffeine, no processed food, perfection of my exercise schedule, etc. I did all that I could to assure the perfect environment for my child. And she died. There is guilt. There is endless guilt associated with this. I did all that I could. Or did I? The nagging questions can completely envelope you. This experience will change you in a way that is incomprehensible.
My only hope in writing and posting this is that more attention will be brought to an “issue” that is actually more of a reality of life. I hope to inspire others to talk about this. I have absolute faith in God and his plan for me and Dave and our family, that one day WILL be here. I will be blessed with a child and I do not care if I have 9 months of pregnancy or 9 months on an adoption list or 9 months with a foster child. My child is out there. But it hurts. And I hurt. And others are hurting. And most importantly, other are hurting and cannot talk about it. I’m nothing special- just a mom (YES, I consider myself a mother) with a passion to keep others from feeling as isolated as I have. My support system has been astonishing. This situation has shone a bright light on the wonderful people in my life. Perhaps God needed me to see that. But for those who do not have what I have, I only want you to know that you have a voice. You can do what you wish with that voice, but I would encourage you to speak up.
We are desperately trying to have a child naturally now. Perhaps some part of me is broken. And maybe its Dave. Maybe its nothing. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe there is some unborn child out there who will need me to raise him/her. God does have a plan. I believe that now more than I ever have in my life. I’ve never known a more honest, annoying, irritating, truthful saying. “God has a plan.” I want to pull my hair out when someone says that to me, and at the same time its the only thing that puts me to sleep at night.
All I know is that one day I will have my child. For now, I am blessed enough to have wonderfully supportive people in my life. I am not ashamed, and I am not to blame.
I lost a child. But I gained so much more. I don't wish for anyone to ever feel the loss that I have, but I do hope that someones loss is more bearable because of me. We each have a purpose. If we can each lessen the pain of one person, we've accomplished something great. I hope this post has done that.
